October 23, 2009
MY TWO CENTS
15 ways to rebuild the Red Bulls

Will Smith is a long-time Red Bulls/MetroStars fan

By Will Smith
Special to BigAppleSoccer.com

The question has been posed:

"How would I rebuild the Red Bulls?"

Man, where to start after the shipwreck of 2009?

Let's see:

1) Hire Richie Williams as GM and Youri Djorkeff as coach. Richie knows how the league works and Youri knows a thing or two about attacking soccer.

2) Sign a strike partner for Angel. Big Mac is worthless but for his stepovers. He is a USL player at best and will never be more than that. Maybe Youri can convince Thierry Henry to come here.

3) Sign a central midfielder to provide service to the forwards. This detail somehow escaped master strategist Juan Carlos Osorio.

4) Sign a player who is a legitimate draw. Presumably, we can address this issue while signing either our forward or our central midfielder. Again, I'm all about Thierry Henry.

5) Settle on one defensive midfielder. Right now, we have five. That seems a little excessive.

6) Settle on a goalkeeper. I'd go with Bouna Coundoul. He's more athletic than Danny Cepero, whose feet barely reach the floor when he sits down at the kitchen table.

7) Sign another central defender. Kevin Goldthwaite isn't enough.

8) Sign a left back. Not necessarily a big-name. Just someone who stays back and clears the ball out.

9) Play Jeremy Hall in midfield. Osorio's deep emotional need to constantly play him out of position was borderline criminal.

10) Advertise . . . non-stop. Newspapers, sides of buildings, wherever. We are presently irrelevant in this town.

11) Send fans a written apology for the disaster that was 2009. I mean, really. The season was over opening night.

12) Have tactical genius Juan Carlos Osorio arrested if he gets within 20 miles of the team.

13) Hire Giorgio Chinaglia as an ambassador for the team, solely to generate outrageous headlines and newspaper articles. The team needs publicity. Picture it: "Giorgio says - Henry is no Chinaglia!" Or "Giorgio to Cepero - Grow up!" How about "Giorgio to Hat-Trick Hero - Big Deal!" Good stuff.

14) Hire a motivational speaker to convince this team it can win. This is necessary after the horrifying Osorio era crushed the team's collective spirit.

15) Sell pernil and platanos at the new stadium. Hey, we've got to eat.

With this plan in place, not only do I guarantee success on this field, but I also guarantee a good time off it. Now, let's see about those Red Bull go-go dancers . . .

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